Between Dream And Awake

It was today that I decided to hop in it at work, the internship one, and visit Will. I haven’t really been interacting with Will as much as I wanted to since last time, and it had been nothing but courteous smiles and polite talk as if we were acquaintances. I saw Will as more than my boss though. He was my mentor, someone who could guide me in the right direction. Through a forest of misfires and lost hope and ambition, I feel as though Will has had enough experience, and intuition strong as that of a mother with her newborn child, to know what was best for me as well. I admired the time and effort he spends with leading me on the right path, so I didn’t want to burst that bubble, our mentor-student bubble, and ruin it for us both.

I knocked on Will’s office door, and he lounged backwards in his chair as soon as his smiling eyes met mine. “Come in,” he said.

I strode in, bouncing with a short pancake stack of paper work in my hand. “The edits on these are finished.”

Will nodded. “Great. I’ll hand them in as soon as I’m finished up here. Most of your edits are very well done by the way; just a simple rule you need to keep up is to always check the names. I know it seems like because the names are in there so it’s already done, but it has to be cross-checked like five million times. Even we make mistakes, believe it or not.”

I rolled my eyes at Will’s grin on those last words. A jokester at heart; and always so light-hearted. After telling me that I needed to go visit James for some other evaluation work, I told him about my plans to possibly move to New York.

“I just wanted to know what that would mean for me?” I asked.

“If you moved to New York? You’d have to land a job first. This type of market is very competitive, you need to catch stability first before you can live there. A definite ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer, before you go. That’s at least what I think. I have an issue with jumping the gun, although that’s never out of the option.”

“Maybe it won’t be so competitive if I landed a personal recommendation?” I said. I threw the idea out there in the hopes that it won’t be anchored down by eye-rolls and head-back-laughter. No harm in testing the waters, right?

Will smiled. “That would be a good idea. Have you chosen a specific place you’re just dying to work in?”

I nodded. “I have a few options in mind. New York is a place of vast possibilities.”

“Don’t I know it! Can I ask you something?”

I shrugged. “Shoot.”

“It may be too personal.”

I smiled. “Thanks for the warning.”

“You can probably have the same life you want in New York in California excluding the hassle of moving. So why New York?”

The question was strange for me, as if it was worded by a Martian. The words tapped on my head like a woodpecker’s beak and plonked rapidly into my mind. It left me speechless, and not in a good way. I was just unable to answer Will in that instant, and I think I should have been able to answer quickly.

On my way home I started to wonder about that little moment I had in Will’s office. The struggle between the thoughts in my brain and the possibilities that remained on the horizon. I’ve come to realise that probably one of the reasons I was telling so many people about the possibility of moving to New York, looking for so many view points, was because I was looking for someone to tell me the worst part of it all. The worst possibility of moving to New York and living with Daniel.

I knew that living with Daniel would be a dream. The bickering would come and go, but the love we have for each other would remain lasting. The one crystal clear cut notion in mind was that I knew I wasn’t just considering the move because I didn’t trust Daniel, but because I did trust him. I was laying out all my faith in him again; not only in hopes for the best but, for knowing in my heart that it will be one of the best decisions I make in my life.

So what was wrong? What irked me the most? It was that I don’t remember a time before Daniel when I even thought about moving to New York. I didn’t want to believe it, but I did wonder; was it for Daniel? Was it because of Daniel that I was even considering moving there? And was that necessarily a bad thing?

My thoughts unravelled and disintegrated when I crashed into bed later that night. Maybe in my drunken state of dreaming euphoria, I’d have the answers. Maybe, just maybe, I’d have the answers by this year’s end.

And in that sleep, between dream and awake, Daniel whispered to me from a distance, ‘I love you’.

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4 thoughts on “Between Dream And Awake

  1. I think Anna is looking into this waaaayyyy too much!! There is nothing wrong w looking at all your options (job wise) but she is second guessing herself!! She just needs to be honest w herself & everyone else. So what if she’s thinking about moving cause of a guy? If she can land a job in NY, she can live elsewhere if it doesn’t work out or move back closer to home & find another job!
    I remember those days of ‘finding where your meant to be’. Truth is it happens constantly. Decisions always have to be made!
    Anna is full of self doubt and scared of making mistakes!! At some point you just got to LIVE in the moment (that’s all you got anyway!) and decide what YOU want!! Mistakes happen all the time. The deal is how do you handle those mistakes in life!

    1. I love this blog and I understand Anna’s plight, and I also agree with your comment on this one. Yesterday I wrote something kind of similar. Moving for someone else, like you said, “so what”? Sometimes that what it takes. Now, I’m not sure that’s what she really wants or if it’s the right guy, because she’s second guessing herself and suffering the decision.

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