Adam was in the kitchen when I got home, pouring a cup of coffee. He knew it was me coming through the door, but he didn’t bother to look. It was way early in the morning, the sun was just rising. Adam was getting ready for work.
“Are you going to give me the silent treatment all day long?” I asked, sitting on one of his two kitchen stools.
He turned around and placed the cup on the counter top. Then he spread his arms out and leaned over the counter; his shoulders poking alongside the height if his neck. “What do you want me to say?”
I shrugged. “What do you want to ask?”
Adam chuckled. “You’re quick to respond.”
I rolled my eyes, and not in the playful way we usually do. Shaking my head, I said, “You know you want to parent me so just get it over with.”
He held up his hands and widened his eyes. “Whoa! What happened to you?”
I bit down on my lip. If there was one person I didn’t want to confess this too, it was Adam. At least not right now. Which was somewhat odd considering he was my go-to guy for everything. He had always been there for me, but when it came to Daniel, he was always angry at me. I guess it was because Daniel reminded Adam of my choosing Daniel over him.
I shook my head and looked down. “Nothing,” I mumbled.
“Did he hurt you?” Adam asked.
“No,” I said. Not in the sense he was thinking.
I left Daniel’s place in the morning feeling…uneasy. I had never been so confused and discarded in my life. In all fairness, I wasn’t expecting us to get back together. But I wasn’t expecting that either. What happened in there; his words, everything was torturous. I couldn’t help the fact that I was always drawn to Daniel, but it irked me to know that even in my new city, in my New York City, I couldn’t escape him. This was a large metropolis, and yet I couldn’t escape the one man I still in some way, hold up high on a pedestal in my heart. This was part slight love, the kind where blood was the only evidence of passion; and part torment, the kind where blood was the only evidence of war.
When Adam left, I went to the bathroom to take a shower. I hadn’t slept all night, so my eyes were a glazed pink and watery. Underneath them were hollow and dark. I looked sallow and sad. Just plain sad. And I’m referring to the pathetic kind, too. Why did I let myself go out of control like that? Why did Daniel say those things to me? What the fuck was wrong with me?
The shower was scorching, enough to burn my skin but, unfortunately, not my memories. I had tensed my jaw to keep myself from crying; but as I went through the night over and over again, I couldn’t hold them back. I was grateful enough at least to be in the shower while I cried. Then in some way it’d feel like I hadn’t cried at all; that the tears would morph into the sharp spray of the water crashing down on me, and wash away down the drain, as quick as they had come.
Afterwards, I just crashed on the bed. The weight of everything pulling me under. It was easy and swift for me to slip into a deep slumber. Somewhere in the evening, though, I woke up. I was deciding on whether or not I should take my sorry ass out of the bed and actually do something for myself, or just roll over and go back to sleep, when I felt and heard some rustling right next to me. The bed moved inwards and out, and I turned to my left. Adam was sleeping next to me, his sweats and a white shirt on. His blonde hair ruffled and his hand on his chest as he rested on his back. Eyes closed; the epitome of perfection.
As I stared at him, a smile began to form, pressed upon my dry lips. Even though I couldn’t (and didn’t) really tell him what went on between Daniel and I, he was there for me. Without words, without generic gifts; by him sleeping next to me, by the simple act of being here with me regardless of knowing what happened or my asking him to be here for me, he was there for me.
Come morning and I’ll be looking for an apartment, and preparing for the start of my new job at the end of the month. I was going to start to be a little selfish and focus on me and my happiness. But for now, I rolled over onto my side, and faded back into sleep. This time, it was a smoother transition.
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