***Of course I was going to let you know what happened! I wanted to put it in the BONUS so it was that extra special! Also, just a reminder, I won’t be posting for 2 weeks. If you need more details, revisit the previous post! Thanks so much, keep on keeping and see you soon! Enjoy, Lots of Love, Soul xo***
There’s something quite thrilling about being on the same page as another. A surge of electricity pounded around my body; my fingertips were constantly moist; my heart thudded irregularly; and I could barely breathe. Okay, so the breathing may have been caused by the fact that the elevator in Daniel’s building was broken and we had to climb the steps. It wasn’t such a long journey, but I had been out of the gym for so long, that I had to pretend I was okay. Note to self, holding your breath at intervals, to keep from looking like a panting dog, does not help. At all.
I leaned against the beam as Daniel fumbled for his keys and unlocked his door. His hands shook several times, and he couldn’t stick the key inside. I turned away to keep from focusing on his efforts; I didn’t want him to feel like I was eyeing him like crazy, and internally laughing at how badly he was trying to open the door.
“Damn keys,” he mumbled, frustrated.
Eventually, he succeeded. The place was dark and empty. Almost devoid of any human contact for a while.
I turned to Daniel. “Where’s your roommate?”
“Brian found another apartment earlier.”
I nodded slowly. Rocking the movement to a slow soul train beat in my head. Daniel played around the kitchen for a bit as I assessed the room. Only the light in the kitchen was on, and it filled up the living room with a warm yellow glow. I liked it like this. When it was dim and quiet. The sounds of the street muffled by height, windows and walls. The curtain was partially opened in the middle, revealing a slit of street lights and buildings.
I heard the cabinets open and close. Daniel ran over each and every one. “What are you looking for?” I asked, sitting on the couch and taking off my shoes.
Daniel chuckled and ran a hand through his tousled hair. “Umm, I don’t know.”
We remained silent. Then I stood and walked into the kitchen. He turned, leaning on the counter top with his back turned, watching my every move. I opened the fridge. “Want some chocolate?”
Daniel smiled and shook his head.
“Want some cold, filtered water?”
Daniel shook his head again. “I love that you’re offering all of my stuff to me.” I laughed with him.
We were nervous. Well, I was nervous. It was almost like a first date. As strange as that may sound, it just felt like untouched territory. We treaded softly and cautiously; unaware, or rather ignoring, the possibilities. The painful possibilities. And the worst part about it, was that no matter what concluded tonight, it was going to be painful. It was the degree of pain that was going to shell-shock.
And yet, here we were. I didn’t want to leave him just yet. I didn’t want to leave my past, just yet. I wanted to hold onto what was good. What was great; pain can be a good thing. It lets us know we’re still alive.
In a moment of spontaneity we both pounced, wrapping our arms around each other. I felt his fingers gripping me tightly. I clutched him as if he were my life. I missed his body; I missed his soft lips; I missed that hungry tongue of his; his soft skin; his ravishing hair that I was making a mess of. I missed everything; yet I hated myself for doing this because, well, because I was scared. And no matter how many times we’ve been through this, the next tended to hurt just as much as the last.
Daniel unbuckled his jeans and then slid out. I did the same with mine, but before I could take off my underwear, he held me up. I wrapped my legs around him as he pushed me into the fridge. I huffed out a loud sigh at the pressure. Then I scrunched up his shirt to pull up and over his head. Then he kissed me. I kissed him. My back was burning from the heat of my skin and the coldness of the fridge. The sensations raged a war inside of me.
“Hold onto me,” he commanded.
I did as he said, clasping his neck and locking my feet. Pulling myself closer into him securely. His hands moved down to my underwear; I felt his knuckles deep into my hip, for a moment it hurt, and then suddenly, I heard a crunching rip and then a snap. My underwear tickled me as it pulled out, and I shuddered slightly, creating tiny bounces on top of him. Then he shifted his weight, left and then right, and shimmied out of his own underwear. He grabbed a hold of me again, and I lay back against the fridge, relaxed and in waiting.
He caught a stray hair and curled it behind my ear, staring at me. His eyebrows were lifted and his eyes wide and fleeting. I’d never seen such sadness and yearning in my life.
“Tell me to stop,” he breathed, saying it as if he were addicted. I stared at him. He squeezed my thigh and then whispered, “Tell me to stop, before I hurt you again.”
I shook my head, slowly at first, then vehemently. The curled strand behind my ear whisking its way back onto my face. I put my lips against his ear. “I want you inside me, Daniel.” He kissed me on the shoulder, making a trail three kisses apart. “I want you inside me, Daniel,” I repeated, a little louder. “Daniel…Daniel, I want you inside me—Aaaaugh!” I gasped.
Straight away, he drove into me. When we began making too much ruckus banging on the fridge, we moved into his bedroom. My thighs were still red and tight from him holding me up, and every time his fingers trailed there, it felt ten times tingly.
I mounted him first. Positioning myself on top and then just mesmerised by his perfect, thick penis. The veins were popping and the tip, pink and wet. I licked my lips and then rubbed him. He closed his eyes, keeping his hands on my thighs. I lowered my head, and then gave him a swift lick. It was too swift for him to feel so I made the second lick a little slower and deeper. He moaned and opened his eyes, staring straight at me. His eyes searching.
“I want to be inside you,” he said. “I want you to come while I’m inside you.”
I wiggled forwards and then allowed him to fill me up. I lifted my head back and began sliding and grinding. Back and forth, very slowly. I played with my hair; Daniel squeezed my breasts. Then he lifted himself to sit up and started sucking on my nipples. I moaned, driving faster, keeping up with the same urgency he showed.
“Daniel,” I moaned, breathily. He looked up and then I kissed him.
He grabbed my butt and then made me drive into him harder and faster. “Come,” he whispered. “Come for me.”
I lifted my head back once more, and I screamed. Few strands of his hair were between my fingers as he kissed my chest, right below my throat. As I came, I could feel his lips hard on my chest. I tightened and shivered; brought to a climax by him.
Daniel then turned me onto my back, and moved his hips back and forth. His waist rolled with each curve he created, and I stared up at him as my Adonis made lo—made passionate sex with me. He grunted, and then buried his face into my chest when he came. When he looked up, his face was flushed and a vein disappeared as quickly as it appeared on his forehead.
I felt like we slept perfectly that night. Without terrors, without fears, and without disappointment. When I woke up in the middle of the night, now realising it was close to 3AM, I began to think that perhaps we wouldn’t part with pain. Maybe, just maybe, we wouldn’t have to part at all. That by some sheer luck or, realistically, some hard work, we could find a way to co-exist. Daniel and I, more than friends…less than lovers? I didn’t know what it was but, it just seemed right.
Somewhere in me though, I had a gut-wrenching feeling. My stomach stirred, and I wondered why. It may seem right, but it felt wrong. Not wrong that we ever did anything, but wrong in the sense that nothing good was to come of it. That I was under the illusion we’d be better; when all it really was, was hope.
I didn’t want to think about the complexities of our current relationship though. I sat on the couch, in my under-things, and watched some television. I had an end date on which to choose from one of my jobs offered; and it was nearing. I had been thinking a lot about it and immediately knew which company I wanted to work for. Special details soon to come, but the thoughts of my job were immediately pushed out when I hopped off of Cloud 9 and back to reality. The colours of the television blared louder than the sound, but somehow it woke up Daniel.
I switched off the TV, and stood before him while he sat on the kitchen stool. That should have been my first red flag: that he chose to sit on the counter instead of next to me.
I smiled. “How are you?”
Daniel rubbed his eyes. “Good. You?”
I bit my lip and swung my shoulders. “I’m good.”
Second flag should have been the fact that I was blinded by my giddiness, and I couldn’t see that he seemed…down.
Daniel shook his head and sighed. Looking down and then back up at me, he suddenly said, “Anna, I’m sorry, but I regret this so much.”
I’m all out of flags!
“I mean, you know,” he shrugged. “This was a huge mistake. I should have stopped before but I…I…I just didn’t have strong willpower I guess.”
“Yeah, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
My mouth was open; my breath held. I didn’t know how to react. We just had the most amazing, passionate sex, and suddenly he turns it all upside down? I didn’t get it.
“I don’t understand,” I breathed. “Did I do something?”
“No, not really, we’re both equally to blame.”
“Blame for what!? I thought we were good.”
“We’re better apart.”
I laughed humourlessly and, after he remained quiet, rushed to collect my things. I was furious, so angry. Angry at myself; and at Daniel. How could I be so stupid, to think anything good could come of this?
Daniel remained in the same position until I sauntered towards his door, still putting my shirt on. To my shock, Daniel opened the door and stared at me in waiting. I narrowed my eyes. In the moment I was trying to zip up the shirt at the back, but it must have been caught because it just did not budge.
“Here let me help you,” Daniel said, letting go of the door.
I lifted my hand and swung him one across his face. The loud slap resonating in the room. The tears started pouring out then. Such is the case, inevitably.
“Fuck you, Daniel,” I spat. We immersed ourselves in a staring match, and I didn’t know whether or not Daniel’s brows bunching up like that, eyes wide, meant that he was angry or shocked. Or both. I didn’t care though.
Instead, I repeated my sentiments. “Fuck. You. Daniel.”