I Lost Myself And Called It ‘Hypnotism’

I was dreading seeing Adam. And I never have that feeling. EVER. There was no fear in seeing his scorned, scorched in blue eyes; it was more the fact that I was dreading hurting him. Again. I didn’t want to be this girl that hurt her best friend over and over and over again, and never learned anything. Didn’t have any lessons to understand; any sound knowledge for future references; nothing. How was it that Adam remained my best friend, and even developing feelings for me after the way I had treated him is beyond me? But I’m talking myself down way too much. It wasn’t enough that the funeral and wake were excruciating, no; add a little self-deprecation salt to the open(-ended) wound, and I’m about set to put my head in the fucking oven.

Too morbid?

Yeah, I thought so. Let me back track.

First off, I hated the woman in the elevator. The entire ride back home, to Adam’s place, I thought of mostly what she said and, mostly, what she implied. That Adam was some kind of abuser. Not only was she totally wrong, but it was the total opposite. Adam freaked out when he saw the blood dripping from my lip. He couldn’t have looked more remorseful. He was ready to take me to the ER over a busted lip for Christ’s sake! I know Adam. He has a good heart; amazing intentions; whenever he was right, he was man enough to not hold it against you forever, and whenever he was wrong, he was man enough to admit it.

Which brings me to my next point. I couldn’t hold him sleeping with another woman over me against him. But that didn’t mean I can just forget. I know it sounds selfish but after telling me how he felt, I figured he only had eyes for me. And after telling me how he felt, I thought it kind of weird that he could just go out and have sex with any girl, and come back home like nothing had happened. Even if it was just sex.

Now, I was at an impasse. I have two amazing men. Both of which I have history with, in different ways. Both mean a lot to me. Both love me; and whom I love back. This sounds like every girl’s dream, but it wasn’t mine. Yet, as I trudged my way down the hall and nearer to Adam’s apartment, I couldn’t help but feel that he was over me. He not answering my text telling him when I’d be home wasn’t a good sign, that’s for sure. That he thought I, yet again, made up my mind and ran back to Daniel; when in all honesty, my feet were laced with iron-clad shoes, laden in swamp mud.

I paused before the door, stricken with the urge to knock before I entered. Just in case. Maybe he changed the locks and I had nowhere to go, who knows. I took the keys out, my hand shakes making the keys rattle, and finally inserted it into the lock and turned with ease. First step out of the way.

There was a low ember flickering in the time that I pushed the door opened. Once it was fully opened, I saw petals on the floor, trailing into the living room, with candles lining the wall. I propped my bag on the floor at the door, taking off my coat and placing it along with the bag, and headed inside. Immediately, I could feel my forehead relax from its worrisome crease. Relief enveloped me. I guess he wasn’t entirely mad.

Every inch of the apartment was littered with candles. Red petals were only strewn across the hardwood floor. I finally peeled my eyes off the design and found Adam standing proudly in front of the dining table, two plates (still empty) and a bottle of wine ready.

“Do you like it?” Adam asked.

I was too tongue-tied at first. “I can’t believe you did this.”

“I thought you’d still be mad at me,” he said, walking towards me, seemingly as relieved as I felt.

“I thought the same.”

He chuckled. “I was thinking, also, that since I wanted you to be my Valentine, I could wait a day or two until you came back and we can have a moment together.”

I bit my bottom lip, suddenly extremely more self-aware. “Adam, I…I don’t know what to say.”

Adam stood before me, lifting a hand and stroking my lip where he accidentally hurt me. “I’m sorry for that,” he whispered.

I smiled. “I forgive you.”

Adam returned the smile, his hand cupping my neck. “I want you.”

“Adam,” I breathed, unable to keep an even pace, “you shouldn’t have done all of this. I’m still so confused. I don’t know what I want.”

“No, you do know. You’re probably waiting for him to tell you what you want. But I’m telling you right now, I. Want. You. And I don’t want to wait until you’re fucking ready, because some guy could come in and swoop you away from me. I want you. Right now. And I swear to you,” he placed his finger under my chin to tip my head upwards slightly, forcing me to look at him, “I swear to you, I will treat you amazingly. I may not be able to treat you like a princess, or a Queen, but I will love you like the crazy, funny, smart, beautiful, girl that you are. I will treat you like how a boyfriend should treat his girlfriend, because I. Love. You.”

As he stepped towards me, I stepped backwards until my back hit the wall. The lights from the candles fuzzing away in the background, turning into one large ember. I felt somewhat guilty though, because as Adam professed his love for me, I said nothing. Instead, I thought about the fact that I kissed Daniel, when I probably shouldn’t have. When I should have had a talk with Adam first. I couldn’t just keep my lips to myself, could I? I just had to go and make everything so complicated.

Adam stroked my cheek as he kissed a trail up and down my neck. I closed my eyes, feeling tingles take me captive. Each kiss tore away every thought of Daniel; every moment got blurrier; every touch, cold. When he got closer to my lips, my heart was beating harder and harder. My breaths, short and heavier.

“Adam,” I said, cutting him off, “I kissed Daniel.” I owed it to him, and myself, to tell him what happened.

Adam propped both his hands on the wall on either side of me, sighing. His lips curved up, eyes soft, he didn’t seem all too disappointed.

“Well then,” he said. “That’s a problem.”

“I know,” I looked down.

Adam placed his finger under my chin again, tipping my head up. “You can tell Daniel that I’m not going down without a fight.”

Adam grinned, and I smiled; he then brought his lips down. His kisses felt natural, warm and soft; yet hungry and dominantly his. As if all along, each kiss was riddled with our names. I was instantly hypnotised; or should I say lost?

***Hi everyone! I posted another fun and sexy new read on Wattpad, check it out here! Also, shout out to Holly from the post ‘Adam Found The Letter’; what up gurrrl! Soul xo***

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11 thoughts on “I Lost Myself And Called It ‘Hypnotism’

  1. nooo, I think she needs to move out, and move on. Both relationships, Daniel or Adam, are dangerous and poisonous. I think she needs to forget about both, because she will never be able to truly commit to either one. Too much history, sex, and emotions are involved in either men.

  2. GAHHHH. WTH!! She is actually RATIONALIZING Adam’s sleeping with someone else? Seriously? This from the guy she clams is her “best friend”. Whatever. His declaration of feelings falls into the “talk is cheap” category. I am old school–if someone tells me they have feelings for me and then sleeps with someone else, it means he is not serious about me. As for Daniel, he has things to answer for, but so does Anna. She strung him along with her need for male attention–seeing other men who were interested in her when she was with him, even if it was as “just friends”. That’s emotional cheating. Anna has turned into a MAJOR attention junkie and applied a ridiculous double standard to her relationship with Daniel. I am not saying he is blameless, but Anna’s failure to truly commit to him was apparent from day one. He was willing to marry her,f or crying out loud. Given that his mother just died from a lingering terminal illness and his flaky girlfriend flitted around with other guys saying blithely that they were “just friends” put him a position where he had no control. So he controlled the one thing he could–his career. Anna is not very self-reflective and that makes her more and more unlikeable as time has gone on. She has GOT to make up her mind–pick one of these guys or neither. If she does choose and friend zones the other, she has to be willing to let him walk away. And the “winner” would need to accept his rival as a friend if he does stick around. The longer this goes on the uglier it will get. Fish or cut bait, Anna. It’s like ripping off a bandaid. Quick and decisive is the best way.

  3. I think it’s time she picked Adam… How many times does Daniel need to screw her over before she learns her lesson..

    Oh, just read your post on wattpad, and loved it!!!! Now I just find myself wanting to read more and know what happens!!!

  4. The simple truth is that Adam is too good for Anna. Too pure, too true, too good. And I’m not saying that Anna is a bad person or anything. She’s just extremely complex and honestly, the only simple, happy times she’s had were with Daniel back in California. That’s why she needs to pick him, because as fucked up as they both are, they make sense together, as long as they don’t pretend to be perfect. Adam may be her California soul, but he will never have her heart the way Daniel does, and that is so much more important. And Adam deserves someone, heart and soul. And Anna and Daniel deserve each other. And I really need to be less emotionally invested in this blog.

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